Spinner Rack: Aquaman - The Fish in the Iron Mask, Part Two

Last month we dove into a World's Finest #132 (also found in Showcase Presents Aquaman 2) story entitled, "The Fish in the Iron Mask." The delightfully high-octane wackiness is consistent throughout this masterpiece. It stars Topo, Aquaman's pet octopus, who has been taken over by Merdo the Wizard (who apparently resides in an iron mask that Topo is inexplicably wearing).

Merdo, the voice and brains inside the mask, immediately launches into his origin story because there's no sense wasting time on action when we can watch a mask talk. It seems Merdo wanted to overthrow his country's king, but he was caught and the court sorcerer imprisoned his mind in the mask, which he then threw into the sea. It doesn't explain how Merdo, who claims to be a wizard, got out-sorcerered. He did figure out that the only way he can live again is to take over the body of whoever puts on the mask. "Your stupid octopus unearthed it in an underground cavern where it had floated and playfully tried it on! Unfortunately, my powers are limited in this body! I need the body of a man — and yours would be perfect!”

And there's the entire premise of the story. Aquaman is now aware that there's going to be a fight between man and man's best friend, the octopus. While they're chatting, Aquaman telepathically summons a giant flying gurnard. Although Ramona Fradon did a great job drawing the giant flying gurnard, they don't actually fly. They skim along the bottom of the ocean. But why get hung up on silly things like facts? The great flying gurnard leaps from the ocean, carrying Aquaman out of harm's way. Aquaman jumps behind Topo, grabs the mask and tries to pull it off his pet's head. Sadly, he is unable to do so. Merdo explains that only he has the power to remove the mask, and he has decided to do so only when he can then place it on Aquaman's head.

And this gives us a little over a page of wildly water-filled, splashy fun. Enlisting the aid of his "finny friends," Aquaman calls on whales to run interference between the octopus and Aquaman while Aqualad cheers them on. And bizarrely, Topo picks up the whales and tosses them behind Aquaman to keep them from coming between Merdo and his prey. I don't recall Topo having the kind of strength to toss whales around prior to this whole mask thing. Either Merdo is using some wizardry to do it, or getting more iron in his diet has made Topo super-strong.

Desperately, Aquaman throws a fishnet over Topo, hoping it will keep him occupied long enough to allow Aquaman and Aqualad to swim to the nearest island. Where our hero got this fishnet is unknown. I don't think he has a utility belt, and I'm pretty sure he was not wearing fishnet stockings. It just sort of appears out of nowhere. Aqualad has stopped narrating the action, which is a shame because he might've told us where Aquaman got the net. Wherever it came from, the two heroes don't get far because Topo rips the net to shreds. Then Aqualad goes back to narrating. The panel shows Topo making a giant whirlpool with Aquaman trapped inside it. Unfortunately, it appears this gambit worked. Aquaman is unconscious as he swirls around the whirlpool.

Merdo picks up Aquaman's limp body and swims him to a nearby island while Aqualad watches helplessly. But then, oh! Aqualad has a plan! Merdo says, "And now to switch the mask!" I'm so glad he announced his actions ahead of time so that Aqualad can get set for his plan. Topo lifts the mask off his octo-head with just his eyes showing and looking very sinister. He is about to place it on Aquaman's head when suddenly, Aqualad telepathically shouts, "DROP IT, TOPO — DROP THE MASK AT ONCE!"

Happily, the command works. Topo drops the mask, and Aquaman compliments Aqualad's perfect timing. Then, continuing his role as narrator of what has just happened in the story, Aqualad says, "Merdo the Wizard didn't realize that I could communicate with Topo in the split second that the mask was off Topo's head." You know, Aqualad, Merdo may not have known that, but I guarantee your readers did. All of them. Including the four-year-olds. We all understood because you explained to us exactly what you were going to do and then you explained it as you did it and now you're explaining it again after you've done it. We get it.

Aquaman, kind Fish Guy that he is, consoles a guilt-ridden Topo, telling him it wasn't his fault. Topo looks so sad and guilty. I hope his psyche recovers from this ordeal.

They decide to destroy the helmet — because it sure looks more like a helmet than a mask — before anyone else falls victim to Merdo's wizardry. So they toss it into a giant clam and have the clam crunch down. Now I will admit that I am no expert on giant clams. Heck, I am no expert on normal-sized clams, either. But I would've thought in a battle between clamshell and forged iron that metal would win. Apparently, I am incorrect.

And to be certain that we all understand, Aqualad says, "I guess no one will ever wear that mask again, Aquaman!" I think if I were Aquaman I would have dumped Aqualad a while ago. I don't think I could've handled the narration of everything we were doing. But then I'm no superhero. I like to swim, but there isn't a single aquatic species with which I can communicate telepathically. I hate to admit that, but it's true. And because of this, I have decided once and for all that Aquaman is not lame; he is really fun.

If I ended this column with the French fin, would you all boycott The Spinner Rack? I fear the answer would be yes, and therefore I will forego that pun and simply bid you adieu until next time.

If you'd like to learn more, including a detailed bio and more information about Joanna's books, please visit her website.